I know you may not recognize me in this atrocious maroon striped shirt my agent made me wear, but it’s me, Barry Bonds. Since we last hung out, I’ve become a joyous retiree. I know, I didn’t think this day would come either. I figured I’d be belting homeruns well into my 60s before I set sail for Boca Raton on the USS Old People Boat, but alas, this day came a bit earlier than I thought. You break a record and you figure people would just throw money at you, but let me tell you something. It doesn’t work that way. But that’s water in McCovey Cove. hehehehehe Now, I’m out, you know helping the kids. Sitting in a seat that’s like three sizes too small. How do people sit in these things? I can barely fit a thigh on this thing. Smiling, I’m actually smiling right now and it’s not because I’m being paid to do so. But you know, because that’s just Barry being Barry.
And you know, this time out of baseball, I’ve really gotten to enjoy myself. Heading over to the club for lunch. Not crying into my pretty pink girlie drink. Because I don’t do that…drink girl drinks. You know what else I’m doing…tipping people. That’s right, I’m making myself smile from the inside by helping others. What’s $2 on a $150 bill? It’s like pennies really for me.
Plus I’ve been catching up on movies. Back when I was breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record and raking up MVP awards, I didn’t get a chance to watch movies, but now I make sure to get down to the Loew’s for matinee Wednesdays. Did you know if you go before 4 PM, tickets are only $5 and you can get a popcorn value pack for only 8 bucks. I’m there like every week. Did you guys see “Wall-E.” Man that movie really hit home. Lonely robot, left to fend for himself in the big bad real world. *sniffle* Dude that stuff ain’t fair for a *sniffle* a little robot dude thing.
But you know, I’m doing well. And if you need a DH or something next year, don’t call me. I’m over baseball....Fine call me, but it doesn’t mean I’ll come back cheap. And I’m going to want a lazy-boy…Screw that man, I’ll do anything, just bring me back and get these kids away from me. They’re starting to creep me out. That kid in the Giants jersey keeps staring at me. Seriously dude, I’ll do anything. Just get me out of here!
And you know, this time out of baseball, I’ve really gotten to enjoy myself. Heading over to the club for lunch. Not crying into my pretty pink girlie drink. Because I don’t do that…drink girl drinks. You know what else I’m doing…tipping people. That’s right, I’m making myself smile from the inside by helping others. What’s $2 on a $150 bill? It’s like pennies really for me.
Plus I’ve been catching up on movies. Back when I was breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record and raking up MVP awards, I didn’t get a chance to watch movies, but now I make sure to get down to the Loew’s for matinee Wednesdays. Did you know if you go before 4 PM, tickets are only $5 and you can get a popcorn value pack for only 8 bucks. I’m there like every week. Did you guys see “Wall-E.” Man that movie really hit home. Lonely robot, left to fend for himself in the big bad real world. *sniffle* Dude that stuff ain’t fair for a *sniffle* a little robot dude thing.
But you know, I’m doing well. And if you need a DH or something next year, don’t call me. I’m over baseball....Fine call me, but it doesn’t mean I’ll come back cheap. And I’m going to want a lazy-boy…Screw that man, I’ll do anything, just bring me back and get these kids away from me. They’re starting to creep me out. That kid in the Giants jersey keeps staring at me. Seriously dude, I’ll do anything. Just get me out of here!
(Photo: AP)
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