Friday Funnies

Depending on how this weekends Saturday Night Live hosted by Charles Barkley goes, this post may be retitled Friday Unfunnies.

Lesson Learned #217

Thank you South Florida coach – well now former South Florida coach – Jim Leavitt for teaching us that smacking your players is a fireable offense. We’ll just add that to the list with throwing your kids in a shed. (Thanks Mikey for that one!)
(Photo: AP; source)

Pretty in Pink

Baseball: Now that Andre Dawson has been elected into the Hall, the only question that remains is what hat he'll be wearing...The A's are bringing back Jack Cust for at least one more year...Marlins pitcher Josh Johnson is not changing his agent. Thank goodness, I had been unable to sleep for weeks, wondering if he'd be changing his agent. (And yes, it's a slow baseball news day)...Barry Bonds' son Nikolai was officially charged with five misdemeanors after he allegedly threw a doorknob at his mother Sun Bonds. Watch out Nikki, because the popo are on your tail!

Basketball: A couple of late three pointers helped the Knicks get past the Bobcats, 97-93...To the players involved in the Gilbert Arenas firearms bonaza: expect a fine...As expected, Rafer Alston has landed in Miami.

College Basketball: Losing to Duke, 86-65 is bad, but could being stuck in Chicago for an extra day because of a nasty midwestern storm be even worse? I'll have to ask the kids from Iowa State.

College Football: Congratulations to Alabama for collecting their first National Championship since 1992. The Tide rolled past the Longhorns, 37-21 after Texas lost QB Colt McCoy in the first series of the game. At least he didn't cry like Tim Tebow...Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead and Virginia Tech defensive end Jason Worilds are jumping to the NFL...You saw this one coming, Mike Leach's legal team has filed court documents so they can question players...According to the Sporting News, South Florida has fired head coach Jim Leavitt.

(Photo: Getty Images)

Football: Bills fans really want Bill Cowher, or so the sign says...Mike Holmgren was feeling lenient and will allow Eric Mangini to stay as the head coach of the Browns...The New York court system, however, was not feeling quite as nice, denying a work release request by former Giants WR Plaxico Burress...Speaking of the law, Vikings coach Brad Childress' son Aaron Kyle Childress was picked up on second-degree driving while intoxicated. Ah now that's something Andy Reid's kids would be proud of. Watch out Aaron, because the popo are on your tail!...The Colts are going with Matt Stover as their kicker not Adam Vinatieri.

Hockey: Chad Johnson picked up an assist in his first start as Rangers goalie, but it wasn't enough as they fell to the Thrashers, 2-1 (SO)...The Blackhawks rallied from an early 2-0 hole to top the Bruins, 5-2...Bruins center Marc Savard left early with a leg injury...Alexander Ovechkin collected his first goal as a Captain while the Capitals wiped out the Senators, 5-2...Sidney Crosby had two goals, but so did the Flyers' James van Riemsdyk and Jeff Carter in Philly's 7-4 thrashing of the Pens...Jimmy Howard stopped 51 shots as the Red Wings iced the Kings, 2-1...Meanwhile Roberto Luongo made 31 saves on his way to his 50th career shut out as the Canucks blanked the Coyotes, 4-0. Alex Burrows collected his second straight hat trick in the win.

Best of the Rest: This whole Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather, Jr. fight is starting to resemble the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Muelle situation minus the kitchen knife...Andy Murray's biggest battle appears to be with the sun while playing tennis in Perth...Is Nascar going back to the spoiler?...Kevin Harvick and Elliott Sadler will share driving duties in the #2 Chevy in the Truck Series...If being last in the Premiere League wasn't bad enough for Portsmouth players, they also haven't been getting paid. (Thx Howard!)

Check this Out: CHUCK is back!!!! Tune into NBC on Sunday at 9 PM/est to catch the season 3 premiere.

Fan of the Week

Thumbs up to you my friend, because you were just voted Fan of the Week!
(Photo: Getty Images)

Stick it to them Aves!

Baseball: Congratulations to Andre Dawson on being chosen as a Hall of Famer. Bert Blyleven was only 0.8 percent off from being chosen as well...The Yankees have given Sergio Mitre a one year, $850,000 deal...While the Braves have signed former Bomber Eric Hinske...The Nationals have finalized a deal with Matt Capps...A global World Series (one that only includes the MLB winner and Japanese winner) could be in the works.

Basketball: The Clippers topped the Lakers, 102-91 as Pau Gasol continues to watch the Lakers in his nice suit on the very end of the bench...Speaking of the Clippers, announcer Michael Smith has been arraigned on charges that he stole $735,000 from his friend Bruce Furst (you know the one with a brain tumor) in what is being called a development deal gone bad. Watch out Mikey, because the popo are on your tail!...The Cavs hammered the Wizards, 121-98 in their first game without the indefinitely suspended Gilbert Arenas...The Celtics rallied to a 112-106 OT win over the Heat..

College Basketball: Just when I thought there was a chance of Kansas being dethroned, they held off upstart Cornell, 71-66...In a homecoming of sorts, the Blue Devil's Jon Scheyer scored 31 points as Duke crushed Iowa State, 86-65.

College Football: Central Michigan outlasted Troy, 44-41 in double OT to take the GMAC Bowl...This leaves just one bowl left, the BCS Championship game...Which Nick Saban says will feature Alabama's Rolando McClain...Florida's Aaron Hernandez is entering the draft...And so is South Florida's Jason Pierre-Paul.

Football: Still no word on whether Eric Mangini still has a job...But it looks more certain that Charlie Weis has one with the Chiefs...Congrats to Tom Brady on being named Comeback Player of the Year...Josh Cribbs was insulted by the Browns' latest offer...The popo will not charge Chris Henry's fiancee in connection with his tragic death.

Hockey: Sean Avery tied his career best with four points in the Rangers 5-2 victory over the Stars...Stars center Mike Ribeiro spent a night in a New York hospital after sustaining a throat injury during the loss...Eric Belanger scored twice as the Wild ended their four game losing streak with a 4-1 win over the Flames. The loss ended the Flames five game win streak...Also scoring twice was Danny Briere who helped lead the Flyers to a 6-2 stomping of the Maple Leafs...Kyle Okposo's goal with 3:17 left was all the Islanders needed to nip the Avalanche, 3-2...Sad news, Hurricanes star Eric Staal is taking a leave of absence after the death of his sister in law...Former NHLer and current Chicago Wolves minor leaguer Chris Chelios was arrested for DUI last month. Watch out Chris, because the popo are on your tail!(Photo: Getty Images)

Best of the Rest: Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will not be fighting -- in the ring. Although with that defimation lawsuit floating around, a court room battle could still be in the works...Texas Motor Speedway President Eddie Gossage and Talladega Superspeedway President Rick Humphrey are not opposed to a little betting.

Check this Out: Calling all Survivor fans, it seems the newest cast has been leaked.

Hump Day Hair

This week’s hump day hair honors Brandon Jennings for boldly going where no man has gone since Kid 'N Play were starring in House Party.
(Photo: Getty Images)

Orange you glad to see me?

Baseball: Randy Johnson is hanging up his cleats after 22 years in the Bigs...The Cardinals have signed Matt Holliday to a seven year, $120 million deal. When asked why he decided to stay in St. Louis Holliday responded "Because they were the only team dumb enough to give me $120 million. Take that Pujols!"....The Giants have signed Juan Uribe to a one year, $3.25 million deal...The Rays have locked up catcher Kelly Shoppach to a two year, $5.5 million contract...Seattle is on the verge of giving Franklin Gutierrez a four year deal worth about $20.5 million...Remember yesterday when I said the only big loser in the Beltre deal was Casey Kotchman, well it turns out he wins as well. The Red Sox have shipped Kotchman to Seattle for Bill Hall and at least one minor leaguer...Speaking of the Sox, they will move Jacoby Ellsbury to left and have Mike Cameron take over center next season...If these pictures are any indication, Matt Kemp is a very lucky man...Sad news, Angels broadcaster Rory Markas has died at the age of 54...Good news, reliever Luis Ayala was unharmed during an apparent attempted kidnapping in Mexico...Don't forget, the newest inductees into the Hall of Fame will be announced at 2 PM today.

Basketball: Andrew Bynum powered the Lakers past the Rockets, 88-79 as Ron Artest returned to the lineup for the first time since his Christmas accident...The Suns ended their seven game road slide taking out the Kings, 113-109...J.R. Smith hit two free throws with 0.4 seconds left to lift the Nuggets over the Warriors, 123-122...The Clippers are hoping January 20th will be the day Blake Griffin makes his NBA debut...Mavs owner Mark Cuban is pissed at the scheduling Gods for placing the Cowboys game against the Eagles at the same time as the Mavs game against the Jazz...The NBA is deciding on the appropriate suspension for Gilbert Arenas...Speaking of disasters, former Nets star Jayson Williams was charged with a DUI after crashing his car into a tree early Tuesday. Watch out Jayson, because the popo are on your tail!

College Basketball: It was a bad night for Georgia Tech who not only lost the Orange Bowl but also fell to Georgia, 73-66...Texas outlasted Arkansas, 96-85...Purdue moved to 14-0 after dropping Minnesota, 79-60...San Diego State upset New Mexico, 74-64.

College Football: Iowa smoothered Georgia Tech, 24-14 to take the coldest Orange Bowl ever...Florida State's appeal has been denied forcing the Seminoles to give up 14 wins...Ohio State's Thaddeus Gibson, Oklahoma's Dominique Franks and NC State's Toney Baker are all entering the draft...Tommy Tuberville could be checking out Texas Tech.
(Photo: Getty Images)

Football: Mike Shanahan has signed a five year contract to coach the Redskins. Must have been that ride on Redskins One that put him over the top...Lovie Smith is keeping his job in Chicago but it comes with a bit of a caveat, he's not calling the defensive plays. And his entire offensive staff will have a new look after six coaches were fired...Bill Belichick is blaming the field in Houston for Wes Welker's injury...Congratulations to Vikings WR Percy Harvin on being named the NFL's Offensive Rookie of the Year...Congrats also go out to Texans linebacker Brian Chushing on being named the NFL's Defensive Rookie of the Year...Could Charlie Weis land with the Chiefs?...The Saints placed defensive end Charles Grant on IR...While Ochocinco plans to play against the Jets this weekend...The company that is hoping to lure a NFL team to LA is looking at the Jacksonville Jaguars and Buffalo Bills as possible candidates.

Hockey: The Capitals have named Alexander Oveckin their captain making him the first European captian in team history...They followed that up with a 4-2 victory over the Canadiens...Marian Hossa had two goals as the Blawkhawks cruised to their fourth straight victory, topping the Wild, 4-1...The Flames hit five straight wins with their 3-1 win over the Predators...Meanwhile the Penguins ended their five game slide, toppling the Thrashers, 5-2...Marty Brodeur earned his third shut out in seven games as the Devils sunk the Stars, 4-0...The US edged Canada, 5-4 to end Canada's five year reign as the World Junior champions. Sweden picked up the bronze medal.

(Photo: AP)

Best of the Rest: Ryan Hunter-Reay has signed with Michael Andretti's IndyCar team to drive a limited schedule in 2010. Hunter-Reay will be sponsored by Izod...Robby Gordon won the first stage of the Dakar Rally by one second...Andy Roddick and James Blake advanced at Brisbane.

Check this Out: The People's Choice Awards will air on CBS tonight. And if it seems a bit rehearsed it is probably because the winners know they've won ahead of time.

Truth be Told

The real crime here is that Carolina blue argyle zip sweater vest, white turtleneck and Rich Little haircut, not the fact that UNC got drop kicked by the College of Charleston. Maybe that is why Zeller looks so sad.

(Photos: AP)

Celebrate good times c'mon!

Baseball: The Red Sox have reportedly agreed to a one year, $10 million contract with Adrian Beltre. Well that seems like great news for everyone but Casey Kotchman. Poor guy, excellent fielder just not so powerful with the bat...The Rockies have given Miguel Olivo a one year, $2.5 million contract...Chien-Ming Wang's agent says there are at least 15 teams interested in his client and some of them are even in America...Joe Nuxhall, Jacques Doucet and Tom Cheek have been named finalists for the Ford Frick Award...Did the Mets pay mafia linked contractors to help build Citi Field? Whatever it takes to get a Shake Shack burger in my hand.

Basketball: The Heat cooled off the Hawks, 92-75...While the Hornets stung the Jazz, 91-87...Pau Gasol is questionable for Tuesday's game with the hammy injury.

College Basketball: Sad news UNC fans, your team lost to the College of Charleston. I knew there was a reason I almost went there, I just didn't know it until now...Pittsburgh upended Cincinnati, 74-71...Kansas is still number one, but watch out for those Blue Devils who moved up to #5 this week...USC players are not happy about missing the postseason...Yes, Mike Hamilton, two armed robbery arrests involving athletes at Tennessee is embarrassing!...In a related note coach Bruce Pearl acknowledges Tennessee's weapons.
(Photo: AP)

College Football: Boise State topped TCU, 17-10 to take the Fiesta Bowl. Remember when Bowl games were played on New Year's Day? I mean all Bowl games were played on New Year's Day? Can we go back to that? I will allow the BCS final to be played on January 2nd, but that's it!...Kentucky coach Rich Brooks is retiring after seven yars with the Wildcats...Jimmy Clausen will have surgery on a torn tendon in his toe. Clausen will be ready to throw for scouts in April.

Football: The Redskins have reportedly flown Mike Shanahan out to DC to talk about that head coach opening...Chris Henry's fiancee recalls the moments leading up to his death...The Bears are keeping Lovie Smith...And the Bucs are sticking with Raheem Morris...While the Bills are keeping -- no one...Looks like Bill Cowher will not return to coaching...The NFL and players will discuss the rookie pay scale...Sad news, Casey Johnson, Johnson & Johnson heiress and the daughter of Jets owner Woody Johnson has passed away at the age of 30.

Hockey: The Bruins stormed back with two goals in the third period but Christopher Higgins broke up a two all tie to give the Rangers a 3-2 victory...The real loss for Boston could turn out to be Patrice Bergeron who left early with a hand injury...The Kings ended the Sharks eight game win streak with a 6-2 rout...Capitals goalie Semyon Varlamov tweaked a lower-body injury and could be out another two weeks...The Leafs received a double whammy. Mikhail Grabovski will miss six weeks with a broken wrist, while Wayne Primeau will be out two to four with a knee injury...Mario Lemieux stopped by to watch the Penguins practice on Monday...The Oilers haven't realized that they don't get free meals in Calgary...USA snipped Canada, 2-1 to take the World Under-17 Hockey Challenge Title. Suck it Canada!!!!! (And I mean that in the nicest way possible)
(Photo: AP)

Best of the Rest: ESPN will unveil a 3D television network in 2010. My only question is do they supply the glasses or do I have to purchase my own? Actually, second question, where do you buy 3D glasses?...Michigan selected Domino's CEO David Brandon as its new athletic director...It is only getting better for Jimmie Johnson after news broke that he and his wife Chandra are expecting their first child...Lance McGrew is liking Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s chances for 2010. Well I sure hope so!...Kim Clijsters is already looking forward to matching up against Justine Henin at Brisbane.

Check this Out: Vanity Fair explores the darker side of Tiger Woods here.

Close Out Special

Baseball: The Cubs picked up outfielder Marlon Byrd for three years, $15 million...The Phillies have added Danys Baez to their bullpen...Ken Griffey, Jr. is excited for 2010...Mike Lowell had surgery to fix his ailing thumb. Maybe the Red Sox can get rid of him now...Carlos Delgado had a hit in his first game since undergoing surgery in May. Great, still don't think he's the Mets answer to first base...Edwin Encarnacion suffered first and second degree burns to his face as a result of fireworks accident. He's very lucky that's all that he suffered...Tigers catcher Gerald Laird and his younger brother Brandon were arrested following a brawl in the lounge area of Phoenix's NBA arena during a Suns game. Luckily this wasn't at the Verizon Center or they could have been staring down the barrell of one of Gilbert Arena's guns. Watch out Laird Brothers, because the popo are on your tail!

Basketball: The Lakers blew out the Mavericks, 131-96 but lost Pau Gasol to a hamstring injury in the process...Although Ron Artest has been cleared by doctors to begin practicing on Monday...Speaking of blow outs, the Knicks rolled past the Pacers, 132-89...The Sixers edged the Nuggets, 108-105.

College Basketball: USC is punishing itself for rules violations. Among the sanctions, the team will forfiet all of their wins from 2007-08...Chandler Parson's 75-foot-3-pointer was the difference in the Gator's 62-61 OT win over NC State...Duke didn't need any last second shots in their 74-53 rout over Clemson...Michigan upended Ohio State, 73-64.

College Football: USC running back Stafon Johnson has accepted an invitation to play in the senior bowl...Florida's Joe Haden and California's Jahvid Best are heading to the NFL.

Football: The Jets ripped the Bengals, 37-0 to close out Giants Stadium the right way. Oh and punch their ticket to the playoffs...Meanwhile the Giants got an ass whooping to the tune of 44-7. Nice to see you guys showed up the past two weeks...Which makes the news that Bill Sheridan's first year as Giants defensive coordinator will be his last not a big suprise....The Ravens clinched the AFC Wild Card spot with a 21-13 win over the Raiders...The Broncos, however, lost a chance at the playoffs after being drubbed by the Chiefs, 44-24. Hey, they could hit the linx with the Giants...The Cowboys avenged their 2008 loss to the Eagles with a 24-0 win...The Patriots lost WR Wes Welker for the playoffs if not longer with what looks like a torn MCL and ACL suffered during New England's 34-27 loss to the Texans...For the rest of Sunday's scores, click here...The Redskins have finally fired Jim Zorn.

(Photo: Reuters)

Hockey: The Panthers sent the Peguins to their fifth straight loss, 6-2...On the flip side, the Sabres won their fourth straight after shutting out the Canadiens, 1-0...Marian Hossa scored twice and Antti Niemi stopped 22 shots as the Blackhawks bested the Ducks, 5-2...In a high scoring affair, the Senators came out on top of the Flyers, 7-4...The Bruins have signed Miroslav Satan to a one year deal...The Blues have fired Andy Murray and replaced him with Davis Payne...US beat Sweden, 5-2 to advance to the World Junior Finals where they will take on Canada...Congrats to the Rangers' Ryan Callahan and Chris Drury on being named to the US Olympic squad. Click here to see who will be joining them in Vancouver.

Best of the Rest: Front Row Motorsports has hired Travis Kvapil to drive their #34 with Steven Lane as the crew chief.

Check this Out: The Bachelor premiere's tonight on ABC at 8 PM/est. The cast includes the former girlfriend of Carl Pavano and Chris Campoli, Gia Allemand. Click here for a preview.